Being At Peace With Who We Are

Years ago I had a job requiring lots of phone calls to far-flung places and was often surprised to hear someone say, "And just where are you from, anyway?" Even holding my mouth in funny positions and speaking in deep, mellow tones didn't help. My Arkansas accent just couldn't be disguised.

I would eventually discover that there are other dead ringers of my Southern heritage. In fact, someone sent me some humorous guidelines to help Northerners adapt when they come south.

--If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

--Don't be surprised to find a deli and fishing bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.

--Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.

--Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

--You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Y'all oughta not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"

--Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

--The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," as in "big'ol truck" or "big'ol boy." Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

--If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

--If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

--When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that many folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.

--In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush, green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

--If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think they will be accepted as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, they wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

While self-improvement should be a lifelong quest, trying to change the unchangeables is fruitless. Being content with what we are brings a sense of peace that lets us focus on the important issues.

Y'all do understan', don'cha?

Copyright 2000 James McAlister

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