Scientific Answers For Political Problems

As I write this, each hour unveils another scene in one of the most intense dramas of our time--the vote recount in Florida. The world watches as allegations and accusations fill the air, looking for places to light. My feelings run the gamut from faith to cynicism, from anticipation to disgust. That makes it easy to apply the following answers from eleven-year-olds' science exams to the whole political process.

"Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."--Sounds like my eyes on election night.

"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."--That's where Bush and Gore must feel like they are right now.

"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."--Sounds like my capacity for more political rhetoric.

"Momentum: What you give a person who is going away."--I wish this whole thing would gain a little momentum--and go away!

"The body consists of three parts--the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five: a, e, i, o and u."--Listening to some of the complaints, snafus and gaffs, lots of braniums must really be abominable cavities.

"To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."--Might apply to opinions, projections and polls.

"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If it has not recovered, then kill it."--Sounds like a remedy for pollsters and media who announce results before polls close.

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in a test tube."--Trying this on politicians might encourage them to be honest and truthful.

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars,and eight cuspidors."--Maybe that's why there's so much spittin' going on between parties.

"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."--I'm already having trouble breathing....

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."--If we don't figure out a better way to handle the process, we'll be extinct ourselves.

Mr. Gore told reporters that it's crucial for the American people to have full faith in the process. Regardless of the result, he promised that any transition will occur with dignity and respect for the will of the people. I appreciate what he said--and hope he means it.

But as we wait for the final curtain to fall on this drama, I'm reminded of one last science test answer. "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."

Though we might rightly agonize over who wins and loses, our ultimate salvation and security do not hinge on one man or one party. As individuals, we should instead agonize over being and doing right ourselves, no matter who sits in the White House.

Copyright 2000 James McAlister

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