Who Writes Those Goofy Labels?
On a hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping -- But that's the only time I have to do my hair!
On a bag of corn chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside -- The shoplifter special!
On some frozen dinners: Defrosting suggested before serving -- But that's just a suggestion!
On the bottom of a dessert: Do not turn upside down -- Too late! You lose!
On some bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating -- Are you sure?
On the packaging on a steam iron: Do not iron clothes on body -- But wouldn't that save time?
On children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery -- Let's keep those kids from behind the wheel!
On a bottle of sleep aid: May cause drowsiness -- One would hope so.
On a kitchen knife: Keep out of children -- What about pets?
On a string of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only -- Where else?
On a food processor: Not to be used for the other use -- Now I'm curious....
On a chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands -- No comment!
On a sack of peanuts: Open packet, eat nuts -- I was wondering how this worked.
On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly -- Now that destroys a childhood fantasy!
On a stroller: Take baby out before closing -- What will they think of next?
About 20 years ago, I returned to college to take a marketing class. It didn't surprise me that I was 10 years older that the teacher, but his approach to teaching left me breathless. Wanting the students to "feel good" about college, he promised easy exams so everybody could make at least a "B." He was true to his word.
My chance to comment on his techniques came at the end of the semester. I had visions that the voice of experience might encourage him to correct the error of his ways. Supervisors, I assured him, wanted employees who could work hard, think, and solve problems. Having grades handed to them contributed nothing toward preparing them for the workforce.
But reading these labels makes me suspect that some of his students might have found jobs as writers of instructions and warnings. I just hope none of them became doctors.
Copyright 1999 James McAlister
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