The Worst Analogies Ever Written
"Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever."
"The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can."
"They lived in a typical neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Elmer Fudd's teeth."
"From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and 'Jeopardy' comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30."
"Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph."
"He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it."
"His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free."
"The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease."
"She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again
"The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't."
"Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center."
"He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree."
"The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon."
"The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play."
"John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds that had also never met."
I confess that I often find myself drifting over the pond of life just like a bowling ball wouldn't... and fail to meet my challenges like two hummingbirds that also never met.
But just as surely as Mrs. Huie wouldn't let escape junior English with a vocabulary as bad as, like, whatever, I can stand as tall as a five-foot-eleven-inch tree... and meet life head on.
Copyright 2000 James McAlister
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